A Life That's Always Meant To Be

Round 12

2010-06-16T08:08:00.001-07:00

Sometimes i wonder,
What am I supposed to do,
Why am I alive,
what is love,
Who my trusted friends are.

I don't know.
a common answer to all questions.
I don't know.

I wanna know the answers right now.
But i know it's not gonna happen.

I want to stay happy,
Being surrounded by my fav ppl.

But somehow,
I just wanna be left alone.

I'm soo used to being alone,
That i prefer being a lone wolf.

All my life,
I've been alone.
Facing challenges, tough times and problems by myself.

Now,
I don't feel a need to have anyone in my life.
I can live life solo.

But then,
it feels so empty to have a world with only me in it.

I swear i don't know what i need.
See.
Same answer.
I don't know.

I want to remember many things.
but i can't seem to remember anything.

i want to know what's love,
But it didn't happen.

I don't know what to feel anymore.
seriously,
I don't know.

Round 11

2010-05-20T07:54:00.001-07:00

God.
Don't fuck my mind.
Don't stain my heart.
Don't break my trust.
Don't make my life any harder.
Don't let my sadness show.
I don't want to go through that lonely times again,
when I see;
friends as foes,
parents as enemies,
strangers as villains
and
God as the devil.

Round 10

2010-05-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Like I said,
"I'll blog only when I'm free."
So now,
I'm free!
For today only though. :(

Since I didn't blog for quite long,
this blog is outdated.
So lemme summarized the events that happened.

(1) Finished paying my fines on 8 April. <3
(2) Somehow, I LIKE a certain someone soooo much.
(3) Fucking heartaches strikes again in my life. FUCK this feeling.
(4) Sch starts at 15 April 2010.
(5) Appointed FYP leader. Fuck this too.
(6) Fun times with my Chinese bros.
(7) Always having fun with my malay bros.
(8) Currently, have 1 tgf and 2 ptgfs. teehehe.

That's all I guess.
I know that I don't have a good memory.
That's why I either blog and take pics to remember the good times.

Yea anyway,
heartaches suck.
& It started on the eve of my birthday.
I don't know whether it's good or bad.
Either way,
I know that she doesn't like me at all.
So why the false hope?
She can just say that she don't like me and that's it.
But nooo.
She said I don't know.
Don't make my life hard please.
Either reject or approve me up front.
Don't leave me hanging on.
Don't give me false hope.
FUCK.
FUCK.

I don't want to relive those hurtful moments again.
Why ryan?
Why must you like her?
You know that love will kill you.
How the fuck should I know?
My heart just DID!!

Fuck all this.
When will my life ever go right for me?
I feel pissed off everyday even though I'm smiling.
Looks like no one bothers to save me.
Well what do I care?
Like I expect much from any of you.
I don't expect anything much from my life.

Oh yea,
Zimah have a safe trip to krabbi yeaa?
Buy for me souvenirs! :D
Giraffe peeps.
Sheesha soon kayyy?
:D

Round 9

2010-02-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

Wassup faggots.
Like fucking finally I have the time to blog after 2 months of being dead.

It's fucking 4am now & I am trying my best to sleep.

Every time I'm doing my best, I tend to FAIL.
why uh?
---------------------------------------------------------------
FAKE & GAY answer
"God": Child, you're still too young to do your best.
Me: =.=...
---------------------------------------------------------------
REAL & HURTFUL answer
I seriously don't know why.
It sucks.
The feeling sucks.
Just imagine you do something with all your heart and you spend long hours doing it.
Just to FUCKING fail.
&%*%&^$&%&&^*(&*(^*^$%#@$ lah!

Fuck that.

Now,
on to the bright side,

Me2: Wait! There's a bright side?

Me: I guess so?

Me2: When? What? How?

Me: I got a $517.20 salary this month.

Me2: But you fucking left $200 or less in a week?

Me: Umm. I blew it off to have some fun.

Me2: What fun? Treating your friends? Paying your fucking fines?

Me: Yah. Isn't it fun to do that?

Me2: You bet it is. (Sarcasm is in the air)

Nyahaha.
Seriously though,
I paid around $150 for fines.
Treated my family and good bros food, (felt GOOD for a while)
Packet of ciggs for myself.
And there's hardly any left to survive for the next few weeks.

$200 left.
what the hell can I do with it?
I want to buy clothes.
BUT I want to save it for my incoming trips & PARAMORE concert.
Life sucks with this debt and having no one to turn to.

Anyway,
I'll try to hang on to that fading patience I have right now.
I seriously feel pissed whenever I think of myself.
%^&* me.

So where is the bright side I'm going to talk about?
Is there any?

There is.
& It goes all out for my bros/babes.
Thanks for hanging tight with me through thick and thin.
May all the love & laughters cure our pain in this forsaken world.

Round 8

2009-11-30T04:43:00.000-08:00

okok!
I lied!
It's been 14+ weeks since I blogged!
But whatever!
:D

These past few weeks were challenging.
Why?
(1) Got fined $500.
(2) Family relatives look at me as if I'm some kind of criminal.
(3) No money to enjoy life.
(4) My heartache came once again. Seriously fuck love.
(5) Wanted to come to class but no motivation.
(6) PP ASSESSMENT.

All these are fucking up my mood.
But still I am the cheerful faggot you all know.
I keep things to myself rather than sharing this burden to someone else.
I enjoy being a lone wolf.
It makes the meaning of "friends" a much more enjoyable experience.
Seriously yes. :)

=====================================================================================
Yea,
I got fined on the day when my class had an outing to Sentosa.
& I got caught before the outing even started!
Fucked up.
But still I managed to keep a positive mindset and had fun.
$500 is nothing compared to having fun.
=====================================================================================
PP assessment was a laughing but stressful moment.
The advisors keep bombarding me with questions.
But I managed to answer them so I think it went well.
Also managed to laugh with them during the presentation,
which makes that period a bit less stressful.
Darren looked fucking smart lah!
But still he scratch like no tomorrow.
LOL.
=====================================================================================
I managed to get a damn job!
Like finally!
Got it after a month of intensive interviews and job hunting.
So now I'm currently working at Giraffe,
and it is quite a pleasant place to work at.
The atmosphere and the people there are great.
And I still have difficulties being in the clique.
Soon, I won't worry about money shortages!
Can shop, eat and enjoy life to the fullest!
:D
=====================================================================================
Just in case if you are wondering why I didn't explain some of my challenges,
I find it useless to say out since what's done is done.
Life is about being hard.
Like a saying goes,
"The sun will shine after the rain"
So yea,
this thing keeps playing into my mind every time I faced problems,
and I found the hard times worth it after I get the rewards.

So people.
Keep hanging on.
Put up a brave smile.
And tackle all the challenges you face in life.
:)

Round 7

2009-11-11T03:02:00.000-08:00

6 weeks has passed since the second semester starts.
9 more weeks and it's holidays again.
2 more weeks to PP assessment. (Fucking troublesome)
3 more days to my cute lil sister's birthday.
2 more days to either JB, Sentosa with my current class or go clubbing at Zirca.
1 more day to IT for SCM UT.
5 more hours till RJ deadline.

Now tell me,
how am I supposed to answer this?
RJ question for today.
List the first (1st) and the tenth (10th) reason for why you should not be awarded an “A” for today’s grade.

If I answer truthfully,
I won't get A.
If I don't answer truthfully,
I also won't get A.
So what the hell lah.

Furthermore!
I bought a Muse security pass for $9! :D

Nice right Nice right?
Don't jealous ah.
Haha!

I also got to know Muse is coming to Singapore on 3rd Feb 2010!
The tickets will be on sale on the 16th Nov 09.
I will confirm buy it asap!
Woots~

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
& another thing,
I feel damn lonely nowadays.
I'm so fucking quiet now.
Or was I always that quiet?
Hard to believe that I can't clique with anyone in class yet.
Language barrier ah!
My past few semesters classes always speak in English man.
Damn it.
Wished that I learned how to speak mandarin sooner. :(

I miss my E44Bs dearly every Wednesday.
Seriously.
:(

& yea,
Since last 2 weeks,
I made a new bro, Zhen Wei.
So it's like a love triangle between 3 guys.
RA, PW & ZW.
I wanted a W too but I don't have any W in my name!
Sucks.
Been hanging out with them.
Playing Pool, smoking, jackass-ing.

I've missed 2 trainings from IG, thanks to my bros.
I miss my trekkers not the trainings.
haha!
Who would ever miss trainings?
Muscle-bounded brain freaks for sure & it's not me.
I'm short, hot and sexy. :)

Oh yah!
Fuck all the jobs that I applied.
Didn't even bother to reply.
I really really need a damn job to support myself! :(

Guess that's all for now.
I'll update at least once every 4 working days.
haha!

Be yourself,
Believe in yourself,
Be mine, (Eh no!)
& have a nice day. :D

Round 5

2009-10-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

I think you all may have noticed that I skipped round 5.
If not, you're dumb. :D

I have nothing much to say as this week is dry.
Just pure lessons and going home straight after class.
Never do anything much & just worrying about the late pp approval.

Ohoh!
There is one surprise.
Alvin came on tuesday!
The E44Bs were so shocked.
Well who wouldn't after not seeing him for the rest of last semester.
haha.

well.
that's about it.
unless you want me to elaborate about me being a mat rep hanging out under a block.
haha!

Hope you all had a great week,
wish mine was too,
and Happy Halloween to the party people. :D

P.S.: Seriously I wanna type more but there's nothing much. haha.

Round 6

2009-10-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

These are the pictures from Gunung Datok 09.
I love it!
I love it!
I love them! :D

Round 4

2009-10-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

On the 17th - 18th Oct 2009,
I went to Gunung Datok with my dear trekkers.
I was psyched way before it started.
How I miss seeing the sunrise & sunset from the summit of a mountain.
I did not come for trekking during year 2 sem 1.
I regret regret regret regret it a lot a lot a lot.
20 rp people & 1 rp staff attended this trip.

So my story starts here.

On Saturday morning, 17th Oct,
I was saved by Edward,
because he called me & I woke up at 6:15am.
Which was considered late,
as I haven't bath & all and we were supposed to assemble at Kranji MRT at 6:30am.
I reached there at around 6:55am.
What a fucking retard senior I am.
I'm sorry if I came late & showed the juniors a bad example.
My bad.
But I wasn't the last one to arrive though. ^^
On the way to JB,
the expressway was damn crowded with cars and buses.
The seniors were weary that we were going to miss the 8:30am KTM train because we were still stuck at the road to JB for around 30 mins.
Once we reached the JB checkpoint,
the amazing race started,
we all ran with our damn heavy bags to the train station,
& thank god we arrived just in time.
Once we stepped foot on the train,
the train began to move,
& the trekkers all sighed a big relief.
It was quite fun though after going through all the trouble. ^^
Most of us went to catch some sleep,
but for me and some people,
we went outside the cabin and open the train door to feel the nice breeze,
when the train is moving.
Of course,
me & Edward smoke on the way there.
It is fun sitting at the doorway there.
You should try it too.

Once we reached Tampin,
we had a short lunch and took taxis to Gunung Datuk.
Now to make a long story short,
we climbed the troublesome, treacherous road up to the summit for 4+ hours.
We took a long time to climb because some juniors can't take it.
Well, can't blame them.
It is their 1st time climbing mountains after all.
Once we reached the summit,
the feeling was great because there will be no more walking for the next 12 hours.
The view is great, the food was delicious (maybe),
& we are surrounded with good friends.
What more can I ask for?

On Sunday, the 18th Oct
we woke up early and see the great view of the sunrise from the summit.
We had our breakfast, packed out things, unpitched out tents, bid our farewell to the view
& we went to descend the mountain.
Descending is harder because there will be higher chances for either of us, trekkers, to slip and injure ourselves.
1 of us did get injured,
& I had to carry 2 heavy bagpacks down the mountain.
Imagine that!
The weight was somewhat bearable & I somehow made it to the base camp.
I thank god for giving me strength to push myself to the limits.
Now, all the parts of my body are aching. FML. :D
After the hellish descent,
I enjoyed myself at the pond? or whatever they called it with the dear trekkers.
Syiok-ness.
On the way home to Singapore,
I went crazy and kept singing, disturbing people at the cabin.
haha!
I just can't sleep!
I don't want to miss every single moment spent overseas!
I am kind of sad leaving M'sia because on monday,
there is school.
haha!

But hell,
I love seeing people getting sucked by leeches,
I love the cool breeze,
I love the sensation of freedom at the summit,
I love my dear trekkers,
I love the mouth-watering food and cigs.

TO SUMMARIZE EVERYTHING,
I LOVE TREKKING LOTS AH!
I swear I will never leave you again, TrekEarth!
Unless I graduate ah. haha!

I wish the trekkers came to class today,
and they are in good condition. :)
Credits to Edward, Jerral & Kim for making this trip possible. :)
Thanks a lot!
I look forward to future trips especially the waterfalls!
Pictures will be uploaded tmr or soon. :)

Round 3

2009-10-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

Damn.
I feel like a totally busy person now.
Friends, Family & school.

In the long run,
I am glad that life's changing for the better for me.
but for now, I need some time to rest.
Get my energy for my sarcasm and highness to get back.

From the starting of school till today,
I've always been hanging out with great friends whom I will always cherish.

Last monday,
Went camwhoring with Aiman at Little Guilin.
He suggested trying to start a fight club,
so as to defend against all the shitty mat reps and ah bengs wannabes, i guess?
But damn,
it feels great to be around him,
Because I always keep winning him in terms of sarcasm.
Haha!

Last tuesday,
Went to IG's training after a long time of not coming.
I DO miss trekking.
Seriously.

Last wednesday,
I went somewhere.
But I can't fucking remember what I did!
Holy shit dude.

Last thurs,
Skipped class to finish PP,
& get ready for Ubin.
Ate KFC with BaoYi and Jocelyn.
On that day,
we found out Joce has a fetish on George Lee.
OMFG.
I laughed the hardest I can when I received that piece of good news,
because I can disturb with this for the rest of my life.
haha!
After that,
went to Pulau Ubin and had lots of fun with the ALC peeps.
I played 21 guns, zombie, more than words, hey there delilah, etc,
with the guitar that Clyde brought along.
Only for that day,
I stopped smoking!
Congrats sia rayyan!

Last Friday,
Still at Ubin in the morning,
and did some rafting when some important guests like the RP directors came,
for the opening of the new quarry at Ubin.
The water is damn clear.
I was cursing myself and asking why I don't own a damn DSLR!
Why Why Why?
After the tiring day at Ubin,
Went to hangout with Aiman again.
Ate at Lestari and talked about our love life.
Mine sucked because I don't love anyone.
Haha! Not joking though.

The past Saturday,
I did something and I vaguely remember.
Damn STM.
That's why I started a blog.
lol.

The past Sunday,
Went to Cousins' house for Hari Raya.
Hari Raya still on you know!
It's so damn irritating.
Tsk.

For yesterday,
After class,
Went out with dearest sarcastic partner, Nadia.
Damn,
It's been so long since I met her.
but the sarcasm always stay the same.
Best, great, good times.
Then,
we went to Gombak to get ready for Aiman's confrontation against Faz.
I pity Faz greatly uh.
I know he's a great guy.
But somehow I kind of dislike his guts, I guess?
I can't put it into words.
But still,
It's my fault for creating such a strain on our brotherhood.
I suck to the core, yes i know.
I was a bastard and always still am a bastard.

My other self says,"Fuck you, rayyan."
Yes, I know I did a lot of mistakes like,
being against my religion,
being a goddamn bastard,
making my parents cry,
making Faz & Aiman disappointed in me,
didn't really care much about my family,
being a fucking player messing around a few girl's heart.
I won't try to defend myself,
but I do know I'm a GODDAMN bastard.
Well that's my life.
Feel free to critisize me more.

For today,
Went to Trekking's training again,
syiok and tiring as always.
I was called a biscuit by one of the trekkers,
because she said I kept disappearing and reappearing.
I don't quite get it.
But it was still funny.
But why a biscuit??
Haha.
After that,
went to hangout with Sufyan to smoke.
yea and finally I managed to get in touch with 1 of my pri girls, using Sufyan's phone.
Angel.
Wonder how she looks like now.
More chio BUT short I guess?
lol.
she's like the most epic thing that happen in my life,
because of a certain incident during primary school days.
Damn, see you soon Angel.

AND HELL YEA!
SO EXCITED FOR SATURDAY's TRIP TO GUNUNG DATUK!
FUCK I MISS SEEING THE SUNSET FROM SUMMITS!
I'M GONNA MISS MY FAMILY AND YOU GUYS.

Yea,
that's about it for today's post.
Do keep in touch.
Stay healthy, be safe. Play safe too.
Goodbye. :)

Round 2

2009-10-09T08:54:00.001-07:00

Ehh.
I'm up with a new blog again.
Dang.
Do you know how sucky it is to create a new blog?
Damn troublesome.
It's been like 6 months since I last blogged before I deleted my blog?
I kind of like don't have the mood to blog last time.
But now, it came back. ^^

Back to me,
I had lots of fun during the holidays.
Went clubbing, chalet, acting, praying, raya-ing, fasting, eating, etc.
I guess I left out a lot things that I've done,
but I can't quite remember them since they were all fun.

yea,
I wanna thank Phoebe for lending me her DSLR for 2 whole weeks!
I owe a great debt to you babe. :)

To Phelan,
Dude, where the fuck have you gone to?
Go Batam, never ask me tag along.
Bastard. :(
Club soon yeaa.

For E44B,
I really really really miss you and the facilitators.
& guess what?
Jocelyn got a fetish for George.
LMAO.

Now comes a new semester,
In a new class, W25K, and good classmates.
but I hate it when knowing my PP was half way done.
Luckily, I finish it yesterday before going to Pulau Ubin.
Kwang2.

I just got back from Pulau Ubin today,
It was a tiring trip.
Nothing much exactly.
It is just about unloading and loading stuff.
But the best was the rafting part.
Tiring but damn nice.

After that, I met up with Aiman to eat my lunch.
My stomach was roar, roar.
& Icy Cold Viceroy sucks please.
Made me almost puke twice.

After eating,
me & Aiman talked about our love life.
& It kind of bores me,
because I seriously don't love anyone.
But whatever,
go for the goal man.

I'm done babbling.
Below are some pics of what i did for the past month.

Round 1

2009-10-09T07:46:00.001-07:00

Testing.
Testing..
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2..
3...
4....